The Gemara implies (and Tosafos confirms) that when one's wife is an Avel, they must be nohegaveilus with her out of respect for her. However, this only applies when she is an Avel for one of her parents, but if she is an Avel for her son or other relatives the husband does not have to keep Aveilus even in front of her. But when it comes to other relatives, the gemara is clear that even if one's son is an avel for his son, the grandfather must keep aveilus in front of his son (Tosafos is not sure whether this would apply to other relatives that the son is an avel for i.e. wife or only to descendents - see nimuke yosef that this may apply to all blood relatives such as one's father sitting shiva for his brother i.e. uncle). Why it there a difference between a wife and other relatives?
It seems that the aveilus that is done in front of a father or son while they are in shiva for their father or son, is actually a form of aveilus for one's grandfather and grandson directly (it is not just a din in kavod). But when one is noheg aveilus in front of their wife for her relatives, since there is no blood relation to the deceased, it is definitely not aveilus for the niftar. Rather, as the gemara says, it is a din in kavod ishto. It seems that the geder of this kavod is that one must express kavod ishto by participating in aveilus for those she is required to show kavod for i.e. parents. Meaning, it is not purely a kavod ishto din, but rather similar to the din kavod for a grandfather, son is bound to respect father and father is bound to respect his father, so son must respect grandfather. Similarly, one is required to respect his wife (see rambam in Ishus), and she is required to respect her parent, so the husband must respect his in laws both in life and in death. Based on this distinction, nowadays where we are not noheg this din at all, it is easily explained by a wife since kavod she can be mochel on, but when it comes to a grandfather and grandson it is not just a kavod din rather a hilchos aveilus din, so how can we not do it?
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The Rosh (end of #35) strongly implies that all of aveilus on kroveu krovav is only a din in kavod and therefore subject to mechila. (THe Rama says that everybody is mochel nowadays and to not be mochel is very strange - Aruch Hashulchan adds that since the Jews as a community have been mochel, one no longer has the right to be makpid).
Perhaps the distinction is almost as you said. By the wife it is purely a din in kavod ishto whereas by the grandson the method of giving kavod to the avel is by showing how much you cared about the grandchild that you were even mourning for them (similar to the top Rashi in Kidushin 82a where a grandfather took a granddaughter on his lap in order to make his daughter happy by the love he has for her daughter).
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